Not According to Plan

I have been kicking myself several times for not having the initiative to put up posts lately even though I have a plethora of topics to go on about and two very long drafts that I have yet to read through and edit.

I finished the final paper of my final exam on the 28th of November, a Thursday. My English Literature paper. The night before that I caught a small case of the sniffles and was a panicking wreck – oh how the desperation to get an A for that paper in order to make my teacher eat her words ruins you… That resulted in my nose acting up like a running tap that you can’t turn off. During the exam. I felt like an odd rapper with all the ‘gift wrapping’ hand movements I was doing on my nose. What the invigilators must have thought…

Since then I have been completely free from secondary school. Time to apply to colleges, go soul searching, look for jobs…et cetera.

I am pretty sure quite a lot of teenagers go through this. At the beginning of their senior year, thoughts like these go through the enigmatic mind:

“I am going to take crazy risks and try everything – at least once!”
“It’s my senior year. I want it to be memorable.”
“What I going to wear for prom? Who am I going to bring?”

Some of plans for my senior year included:
1) Finally have a decent conversation with the bloke I saw every week whom I found to be ridiculously interesting.
2) Going to prom. It’s a one time thing. The school doesn’t organize it, so it’s bound to be even a little interesting. Just experience it!
3) Burning the bad memories. Quite literally. Burning maybe a memento from a first heartbreak…burning test papers(Fire!)
4) After finals just write and draw every single day at every single waking minute.
5) Discover new interests and hobbies.
6) GET A JOB!

For #1, the bloke always stopped replying after the third text(I think I’m cursed). Only the third. Even when asking for help, it just stops right there. In person, he seemed rather…indifferent – which was what intrigued me. Typical tall, dark and mysterious, no? #2, I had no one to go with. Some of my mates were too reluctant and thought it was just going to be another “sit-eat-and-watch” event. #3…I am actually still going to do that. Soon. #4, I can actually take a 4 hour nap and not have to worry about assignments. The bed was just too comfortable. It’s part of a process. First comes the fabulous procrastination, the plunge into abject self loathing, and finally actual results. #5, I am dead broke to try anything. #6, even though even odd jobs nowadays(here) require at least a diploma, I am very blessed to have found someone to take me in for most of 2014. Starting from the 2nd of January 2014 I will be taking on the role of playing a Retail Assistant in a nail salon called Colour Culture. Hurrah for strenuous paperwork and stock control.

Apart from that one bit of success, the rest sounds like a whole bunch of pointless excuses – and some are. Unfortunately.

It’s very…disappointing, not being able to accomplish most of your plans for the year that you thought was going to be the most memorable. Leaving high school behind, immersing oneself into the real world… I turned out to be one of the unlucky few who didn’t get to post amazing prom pictures on Facebook or Instagram(lost a few tears when I saw my younger cousin’s prom photos with her beau), go on small trips with friends or get accepted into dream colleges(Money is always the problem).

Instead I’ve been at home…having mental headaches about college(to be discussed in future post), tending to my pet cats, and kicking myself when an art piece or chapter of writing does not go well. What a life. An accomplishment to me now is being able to wake up before 12 noon.

Disappointment and regret, to me, are the two feelings that are just horrid in godly proportions, next to heartbreak. Disappointment in oneself and regret for not doing anything.

The harshest truth of it all? We can’t go back. We can only move forward now. No point lamenting about the past. Get over it(I hate that phrase). We can only take the disappointments and regrets like the punching bags we humans are and let the scars fade. With or without Dermatix. 

I think that’s why I finally got the initiative to type this up. I finally snapped out of it. Needed to get it out of my system. I even got some new paintbrushes the other day to start on my new project(s) and make my portfolio for art college superb. I’m almost done typing up a new chapter for Fanfiction…

It’s saddening that things don’t always go according to plan, but there are both dark and light sides to it I suppose. I think the dark bit has already been explained by yours truly like the madwoman that I am.

On the bright side…in rare cases – expect the unexpected. Maybe better things might get thrown in our faces, and suddenly the plans we made will seem almost…mediocre – if that is the right word to use as an adjective.

I find it difficult to conclude this post, because this post is rather pathetic to begin with, but isn’t humanity(to be discussed)? So I shall sign off with another lofty claim to update this…obscure blog soon.

xx,

E.N.

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