When it comes to people – humans – homosapiens…whatever you want to call them, I think I have had my fair share of ups and downs. Simply because this post is a rant, let us lean more to the downs.
I have had backstabbers(hello Jason Vorhees), those who left to be with the ‘in crowd’, those who gave up on me when I hit rock bottom – et cetera.
Perhaps I am being a whiny brat – but when will it end? When will all the hurt end? All that harsh prodding that slowly and quickly chips away at my view of self-worth? Many times I have felt that I am not worthy of trying for, of fighting for, of sticking up for. Many times I try to convince myself that the only person with the power to grant happiness is myself.
I find that maybe I am one of the unfortunate few who has great difficulty in believing in that. I admit – it is true. One shouldn’t have to depend on others for happiness. Draw it from your passions and motivations – draw it from your true Life Goal.
…But what happens to us who still keep on feeling the hurt? What happens to us who feel like we’re our Makers’ punch dummy? Right at this very second – I can say I honestly feel like my Maker is looking down at me and going ‘Oh let’s see how much this one can take.’ ‘Oh look she’s still standing, that little fighter – let’s prod her some more.’ ‘Uh oh, she’s finally happy – quick! Douse her!’
I take comfort in the fact that there is at least one person in this world – in this reality that can understand what I am saying.
“You are making yourself the punch dummy.” Someone told me. Again, another fact I find to be annoyingly true. Maybe I really am stopping myself from really being out there – but oh for fuck’s sake, I am just tired. Tired of meeting people or getting involved with people that ultimately let me down – beat me down – give me up – and leave me in smithereens. In pieces. Shards. Shattered. Broken down – with nothing left.
I decided to write this rant because of something that truly worried me for a bit. I am currently going through one of my many fuck ups in life with someone. Someone I found to care for too much in a very short amount of time. Lo and behold, the reader can tell it did not go well.
What truly frightened me was when I was sobbing buckets over it – I couldn’t feel anything. The tears were streaming without pause – but I felt absolutely nothing. I didn’t feel the familiar hurt, the sharp stabbing pain that would break me down slowly and torturously. I was crying painlessly – and that horrified me.
I knew it wasn’t because I didn’t care – because holy hell, did I care too much for my own wellbeing. So I thought: “Oh fuck, this is it isn’t it? Is this it? Have I taken so much to the point where I can’t feel pain anymore? Am I really going numb?”
Most of you might think ‘oh get a grip’ – but anyone who knows me knows that I am quite melodramatic – and extremely sensitive(unfortunately so). But not feeling anything truly, truly scared the shit out of me.
That fear did not last very long because after some time, the pain really hit me right where it hurt. Which was everywhere. That same pain came back jolted me back to what I was familiar with. Irregular pangs of hurt and numbness hit in an irregular sequence. From pain to numb, to pain again – and sometimes more pain, then numb, or more numb then pain. That’s when the really excruciating weeping commenced. But hey, I’m alive. I can still feel…
But for how long? If I could have that moment of feeling absolutely nothing – am I actually capable of becoming a total android? Where I could no longer feel? Could that time come when I could be hit with the most devastating disaster – and feel nothing?Suddenly that was a true and very real worry for me.
I don’t like the healing process. It is a hellish, cruel experience. I don’t like being broken down – and let myself to be broken down. I don’t like feeling like I am not worth anything. I can let myself not think like that, or feel like that – and I should. But – sorry inspirational messages on social media, looks like I ain’t that ideal after all.
But when will it all end? When will the pain end? When will it be enough? When can I not feel like putting a gun to my head to stop the pain? I’m perfectly flawed – I don’t know what to do with this. I know I can and will recover from this. I know I will eventually be okay after the horrid healing process. But I don’t want that. I don’t want to be in a position where I keep experiencing the same crap over and over and over again. I am so tired. So exhausted. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I still fight and claw – and find worth in the worst(which is what I should not be doing) knowing full well it will break me – and the sickest part of it all is that I will convince myself that the pain is worth it. That whatever – or whoever I am risking all this for – is bloody worth it.
And that sure sucks.